Envyable or Unenvyable?

I am trying to decide if I am in a good position here. It sure doesn't feel like it.

Our church leadership (my senior pastor, church board and I) are looking to the future. We are asking the tough questions. The questions that make people uncomfortable. The questions that challenge thinking and stretch faith. The questions that shape the mission, direction and purpose of a church. It's an exciting place to be, especially because I believe our leadership and people are really pliable right now. We are ready to hear from God, to make adjustments, apologies if we need to, and ready to be used by God in an unresisted way. This is all good except for a question that has been directed from the board to me. The board has asked me to come up with three or four areas of ministry that I would like to focus on if there were no obstacle. And they want to do everything they can to make those things happen. Essentially, they are asking for me to write up my own job description. They have even used phrases in our meeting like, "you can start with a clean slate" and "tell us what you want to do."

A bit of history: I have shared with the board my tumultuous life/faith journey that I have traveled these last couple of months. I didn't want to tell them and I wasn't going to but there were a series of events that gave me no choice but to be candid. The amazing thing about our leadership is that they are gracious. The stuff I shared would have not been accepted very well had my colleagues shared the same stuff with their boards - mainly that I struggle with my desire to be a pastor, that there is a number of responsibilities that I really loath but that are a part of being a pastor, that I struggle with my own vision and direction for the ministry areas that I am responsible for. So in response, my board has asked me to tell them what I would like to do? What church board does that? That is pretty amazing if you ask me.

But therein lies the difficulty - that amidst the freedom to chose my future at my church, I really have no idea what I want to do. I have no idea what I should be doing. I have no idea what God wants me to do. I do not have an answer to their question.

On one hand, I have the option to 'chose my own adventure' and in church ministry, that's rare. But on the other hand, I have no idea what that looks like. I don't know what I should chose. I don't know where I am most useful. I don't know where I'll find joy or if I will. And really, I don't think finding joy is the point.

I am having a hard time choosing my words because I have an idea of who will read this and being candid, even on this blog, can affect people in more ways than I know. So if you are a friend and you know me well, you can probably guess the mental/heart/faith battle that is raging in me. If you are family, don't jump to too many conclusions. If you are church family, know that I struggle with stuff just the same as you do, I don't know what the future holds, I'm not leaving, and yeah, I could use your support. And if you aren't a friend or don't know me at all, I am curious to know what makes you read my ramblings anyway.