How alone am I?

I was sitting in church this Sunday, listening to the preacher preach, really listening, then hearing a particular point, then questioning that particular point, then disagreeing with that particular point, then not listening anymore, then hearing another point, then disagreeing with that point, and then asking "why"? Why am I disagreeing with this point? Why did I disagree with that other point? Why questioning these things? And why am I here listening in the first place? Then wondering: "Am I the only one that thinks like this? Am I the only one that has these rabbit trail thoughts during a sermon? How alone am I in my thoughts?"

As you read on, know that I don't write having formulated thoughts and strong conclusions. I write to formulate thoughts and try to reach conclusions. I rarely do though, reach conclusions, but then I realize it's more about the journey than the destination. So now, here is a bit of that journey . . .

We average a little over one hundred people at our services on a Sunday morning. Our church family is bigger than than and if everyone showed up on the same Sunday, we would be about 175 but we get a little over one hundred people a Sunday.

You know, even as I write this, I realize I am falling into the trap of thinking that church is all about the Sunday Morning Service. I know that is false but I do think the Sunday Service is the main source of a church's identity, ours anyway, whether good or bad, and that is why I do feel justified in asking questions about it. So I continue . . .

We have a number of parents who's kids have graduated from High School in the past 5 to 10 years. They make up the majority of our church. The seniors are the next biggest group. After that, we have young families - Parents who are in their thirties, approaching 40. Then, all the people that fit into one minority. That minority consists of one or two or three twenty-somethings, one grade 12 guy, and a few couples like Angela and I. This is a rough estimate. I love these people. At least I think I do. I guess you would have to ask them if I show it and they would tell you, but these people are my family. The thing is, I feel so alone in this crowd. I even think about it while I am leading worship sometimes. I look out and see my church family and I am happy to see them, but I don't see any real friends in this group. I try to be authentic in what I say and do in church but there is nobody here that I can be really real with. Ok, there are a few but not really. But as I lead and think this stuff, I feel alone. Not lonely necessarily, just alone.

Then, I listen to the sermon. And I really try to listen. And I try to listen for God's message, but I usually end up hearing stuff I don't agree with. I end up questioning what the preacher is saying. If I make notes, I am usually writing the difficulty. And this bugs me. Why do I do this? I have nothing personal against the preacher. Am I doing it because deep down I don't want to hear from God? Do I do it cause if I don't want to be changed? Because I don't want to be challenged? Because I am lazy? Or, do I do it because that is a roll God has given me to do? Not find fault in everything, but to question what I am hearing, what we are hearing. Track with me for a second so you don' misunderstand me: I wonder if God has created me in such a way that I ask a lot of questions. I wonder if he created me in such a way that I long to sift through words to find truth.

Right now I am feeling that this thought process is stupid. That it doesn't make any sense. I am going to try a different angle. . .

What bugs me about church is that a whole crowd of people can listen to a message without ever questioning it. What bugs me is that we could be fed some subtle lie, not because the preacher is trying to lead us astray, but maybe because of a poor illustration or a thought that hasn't been fully worked out, and nobody would ever know it. I want to give you an example from this Sunday but I think that would be mean. Because I know this Sunday's preacher and because we talked about the sermon before Sunday, I know what he was trying to say and I agree with it. He just communicated something else, something that could easily mislead people, but it was subtle and maybe no big deal. And it made me realize that what I long for in Church is for the people to approach God and his Scriptures together. That we work through the beatitudes together cause Joe over their might have some insight or something to share that Bill or I need to hear. Or Jane might restate what Bob said so that everyone understands that what Bob really meant. You get what I mean? I am tired of listening to one guy tell us what to do, who to be, what not to do. I guess I am tired of being preached at and I want to experience God together in community. If the preacher would have asked me about some of his points, I would have said: "I agree with you but try saying it this way cause I think if you say it the way it is written here, you will give people the wrong impression of who God is." Or, "maybe you want to think about this point. I know what you are trying to communicate but the text isn't really saying that. Not that it is wrong, but this might not be the place to preach it."

I am not about to give up on our church our anything like that. I am just wondering if I am really alone in my thoughts. I wonder if the majority of our church really likes coming on Sunday to hear one guy give them the formulas for a better life. I wonder if they are comfortable with settling.

I had no idea where this would all go. I am definitely frustrated and wondering where my place is in all this, being a pastor of this church family, but at the same time, I do believe that Jesus loves the church, and that he has faith that the church will be the people to grow his kingdom. And I want to be a part of the growing of God's kingdom.